


Quiescent - Lost

by cutsycat



Series: Dictionary.Com Word of the Day Drabbles [1454]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:49:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21559609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutsycat/pseuds/cutsycat
Summary: After finding out about Ducky's mother's death, Tony is lost in his childhood memories of his own mother's death.
Relationships: Anthony DiNozzo & Jethro Gibbs
Series: Dictionary.Com Word of the Day Drabbles [1454]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/444514
Comments: 20
Kudos: 32
Collections: 2019 Gen Angst Week Challenge, The Writer's Guild Community





	Quiescent - Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Another dictionary.com word of the day drabble. This time from 04/24/2003 for the word [quiescent](http://www.dictionary.com/wordoftheday/2003/04/24/quiescent).
> 
> quiescent[ kwee-es-uhnt, kwahy- ]  
> adjective  
> being at rest; quiet; still; inactive or motionless:  
> a quiescent mind.
> 
> This is for Day 2 of the Gen Angst Week challenge. Today's prompt is Lost.

“Are you ok, Tony? You’re unusually quiescent,” Bishop probed.

“Fine. Just thinking.”

“What about?”

“Nothing really.”

Bishop frowned. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah.”

Bishop dropped it, but Tony was sure the respite wouldn’t last. He’d been staring off into space for most of the day. He was honestly surprised that no one had commented before now.

He’d just heard about the death of Ducky’s mother and he couldn’t help remembering the lost little boy he’d been when he was eight and had just lost his own mother. She’d died in a car crash and he’d been right next to her. He kept shaking her shoulder, crying and begging for her to wake.

He’d never really understood why he’d been spared. Senior had made it quite obvious that he would have preferred for Tony to die and his wife to live. Now that he was older, he understood that the seat belt had been what saved his life and that his mother not wearing one had been the reason she’d died.

Sometimes he wondered why she hadn’t been completely thrown from the moving vehicle as it crashed into the tree. He hadn’t been ready to lose her and he could only be glad that she’d been there with him while he waited for rescue. Even though she hadn’t been responsive, she’d still been there. 

Tony hadn’t realized that she was dead until after someone found them. He’d asked why she wasn’t going to the hospital with them and the stranger had gently explained that she’d left for a better place. Tony had always hoped that the stranger was right. Wherever she was, she deserved to be happy.

The next time Tony broke out of his thoughts and looked around the bullpen, he realized that he’d completely missed Bishop and McGee leaving. Gibbs was still there and he was staring at Tony with a thoughtful look on his face. 

Tony ignored it, pasting on his happy mask and announcing, “See you tomorrow, boss,” as he grabbed his gear and left the bullpen. He had no idea what time it was, but he knew it must be late. The sky was already dark outside, not that that was anything new.

With the hours they worked, it was very rare for Tony to make it home while the sun was still out. He turned the radio volume down, not quite off, but so low he could barely hear it. He didn’t want to be bothered right now. He was still kind of lost in his own mind. 

The death of Ducky’s mother and his mother were both swirling around in his mind. He’d been eight when his mother had died, a good thirty or forty years ago now. He didn’t understand why Ducky’s loss was bringing back memories from so long ago. 

He’d gotten over his mother’s death a long time ago. He shouldn’t be this affected, but yet here he was. He walked into his apartment, dropping his bags beside the front door as he made his way to his piano.

He let his fingers trail across the keys, not pressing down hard enough to make a sound, just touching them. He finally settled down at the piano and just let his hands do whatever they wanted. He didn’t set out with a specific song in mind, but instead was letting his feelings direct his fingers. 

He’d written more than one song using this method and they frequently turned out more moving than if he’d tried to plan them out. This one was taking on a haunting tone of love and loss. He felt that it told a story that spoke to everyone who had lost a loved one.

He closed his eyes and let his body drift with the music. He practically surrendered his entire being to this one song as it floated up out of the piano. His fingers never stopped moving, never stopped playing, shifting from one key to the other in a steady flow of music that was as beautiful as it was painful.

He had no concept of time as he lost himself to the music of his soul. It could have been minutes or hours later when his fingers finally stopped moving across the piano keys. His throat was dry. He must have been singing too.

A slow clap sounded and Tony turned around in shock. He hadn’t heard anyone enter his apartment. He could tell from the expression on his intruder’s face that Gibbs had been almost moved to tears by his song. 

Tony didn’t know how he felt about that. He hadn’t intended to share this feeling of loss with anyone, though he knew that Gibbs also understood the feeling of loss that he and Ducky had experienced. He couldn’t say he was mad, but at the same time he definitely felt uncomfortable with the amount of emotion that he was certain that Gibbs had seen.

“So is this why you were quiet all day?”

Tony shrugged and looked away. He felt like a very private part of his soul had been pried open and left for Gibbs to see. He hurt in a way that he’d thought he left behind a long time ago. He really didn’t understand why all this emotion was coming out now. 

Tony froze as a hand touched his shoulder. He looked over in surprise as he realized that Gibbs had joined him on the piano bench and had wrapped his arm around Tony’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything just looked away, but he relaxed into Gibbs’ touch and that was enough.

It was enough to know that someone else was here. That someone else shared his pain. That someone else knew what he was going through. He couldn’t help wondering if anyone was there for Ducky. Ducky deserved to feel like someone cared for him in a familial way too. 

“You should go to Ducky.”

Gibbs shook his head. “He doesn’t need me. You do.”

Tony turned his head to glare at Gibbs angrily. “How can you say that? Ducky lost his mother today.”

“And so did you, son.” Gibbs smiled gently.

“No, I didn’t. She died when I was 8.”

“Sometimes grief takes years to manifest. Today was your breaking point.”

Tony raised an eyebrow in incredulous disbelief. “Forty years later?”

“If that’s what it took. I’m not here to judge, just offer condolences.”

“Ducky should have someone too.”

“Don’t worry. He’ll have plenty of well-wishers today. We can offer our condolences tomorrow when your grief isn’t so raw.”

Tony nodded and curled his lips down in a moue of disappointment as he let Gibbs pull him closer and hug him like his real father had never hugged the little lost boy inside of him.

**Author's Note:**

> The dictionary.com series has no stories already written for it after this one, so I will be posting at least no more stories before I stop posting again. I'm hoping to get more stories written before then, so that I don't stop posting for a while. Wish me luck! 
> 
> It's 2019 now and I have closed my 2018 Prompt collection, but fear not my 2019 Prompt Collection is now open [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/cutsycat_NCIS_Prompts_2019/profile). Just click the sign up link. ;) It will remain open until the beginning of 2020. I'm hoping to complete all the 2019 prompts by the end of 2020. Do not fear I have not forgotten about the 2018 prompts and will continue working through them. It's just easier for me to not get overwhelmed if I keep the prompts separated by the year they were given to me.
> 
> If you are not an ao3 member, you can prompt me [here](http://cutsycat.livejournal.com/50701.html). Please follow the same rules as are listed in the above link. However, because this is a handmade prompt form(that thinks it's a poll), it is considerably more limited than what ao3 provides, so please use the ao3 form if you're an ao3 member. Please note the name option is for a name that I can say this is for so that you know it's for you. Since this is for non ao3 members it won't be true gifts, but you will be mentioned in the notes. Please note if you have already voted in the poll and would like to request more stories you can just add a comment to the poll. Please include the name along with the prompt, so that I can appropriately gift the prompt to you.
> 
> For any authors that want to chat and/or are looking for a place where they can toss plot ideas around and get input from people, you can come join my discord server that is specifically geared towards writing/encouraging people to write and authors. The invite link is [here](https://discord.gg/HFvwpCq). If you're not an author, but want to chat with me about writing/stories or anything else you are welcome to join. I reserve the right to boot you from my server if all you do is pester me about updates, however. *grin* Really anyone who wants to talk about writing and/or plot ideas for various stories is welcome to join. 
> 
> Also, Drakonyashka has translated a couple of my works into Russian. [Tutelage](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12378780) and [Imbue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12378840). Go support them. 


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